“My depression” by Ren Hang, English translation

Jiaqikang
37 min readOct 31, 2020

I translated this back in 2017 and it was on my personal blog, which I now don’t want to link to anymore, so just pasting it all here.

[original]

This was a rather quick job and is far from perfect. The biggest flaw is probably tenses. The translations may be too literal in some parts, too liberal in other parts. Drop me a comment if you have any suggestions for edits — in particular, I’m unsatisfied with the entry from 2010.10.08.

It’s a very sad read. He hated himself but was convinced he’d never commit suicide. In the end he still did. The language is simple but beautiful.

Rest in peace, Ren Hang.

TW: violence, suicide, dissociation

With thanks to those who have suggested edits: Ashley Hermosura

— -

2016.09.17
这几天找到一种新的方法,让自己镇定下来,把自己摔倒也是对抑郁的一种抗衡,每当我碰触到地面就彻底躺平,行人啊,车辆啊,都可以从我身体上踩踏过去、碾轧过去。而且这种时候意识会变得无比清醒,智慧和记忆力好像也增强了,所有关注过的事件都历历在目,甚至背诵得出当事人说过的话,1997年白宝山在监狱中说:我出去就要杀人。如果判我20年,我出去杀成年人。如果判我无期徒刑,我减刑出去,杀不动成年人了,我就到幼儿园去杀孩子。

我总是能听到开枪的声音,开始的时候我有点害怕,时间久了,也就习惯了,那声音也像有人在用槌子往我脑袋里钉钉子,好像有一个建筑工地,有人要盖摩天大楼,盖了这么多年也没盖好,好多无家可归的人在我的脑袋里面哭啊闹啊,我要被吵死了,他们不让我睡觉,也不让我出门。不睡觉也好,不出门也好,反正每天出门前,穿上精心挑选好的衣服,照着镜子怎么看都觉得像要去参加自己的葬礼,消极得那么隆重。每一个目的地都像是为了追悼自己而要赶赴的灵堂。
我也害怕出门听到那些关心和疑问,“你看起来那么开心,怎么可能抑郁呢?”,“你有什么可以抑郁的,我还抑郁呢”,“你总是那么矫情”,“他又在装腔作势”……这些声音比我脑袋里的声音更容易使我紧张。在所有牵扯到两个或者两个人以上的人际关系中,要么我就会不停地说话,要么我就会一直沉默。所有的假装轻松都让我筋疲力尽。

这么多年,我一直在给自己治病。一人分饰医生和病人两角,有时候医生给病人治病,有时候病人也给医生治病。彻底把生活过成了一所医院,每天只是流连在各个不同的病房里,外面的人进不来,自己也走不出去。

2016.09.17
These days I’ve found a new method, to calm myself down, making myself trip over is also resistance against depression, whenever I hit the floor I lie down totally flat, the pedestrians, the cars, they can all tread and roll all over my body. Plus during these times my consciousness will become extremely lucid, my wisdom and memory also seem to get stronger, everything I’ve paid attention to will come back to me vividly, I can even recite some things people have said, in 1997 Bai Baoshan said whilst in prison: once I get out I will kill people. If you give me 20 years, I will kill adults. If you give me a life sentence, I’ll get out on parole, but I won’t be able to kill adults anymore, I’ll go kill children in the kindergartens.

I constantly hear the sounds of gunshots, at first I was a little afraid, but after a long time, I’m used to it, that sound is similar to if someone was using a hammer to knock nails into my skull, as if there’s a construction site, someone wants to build a skyscraper, they’ve been working for so many years but it’s still not built, a lot of homeless people are crying and complaining in my head, they’re killing me with this noise, they won’t let me sleep, and won’t let me go out. Not sleeping is fine, not going out s fine, in any case before going out each day, I put on carefully picked-out clothes, I look in the mirror but no matter what it looks like I’m going to my own funeral, so ceremoniously negative. Every destination seems like a mourning hall that I’m rushing to so I can grieve for myself.
I’m also scared to go out and hear those caring and interrogative words, “you look so happy, how can you be depressed?”, “what do you have to depress over, I’m the depressed one”, “you’re always so hypocritical”, “he’s posturing again”…… These voices make me even more anxious than the voices in my head. In all social situations with two or more than two people, I’ll either talk non-stop, or I’ll stay silent the whole way through. All the fake relaxed demeanours I take on wear me out.

All these years, I’ve been treating my illness by myself. One person taking on both the role of the doctor and the patient, sometimes the doctor treats the patient, sometimes the patient treats the doctor too. Life has completely been turned into a hospital, every day I hang around in different wards, the people outside can’t come in, and I can’t go out.

2016.07.19
晚上失眠,一闭上眼睛就看到自己用各种方法把自己杀死的画面,我吓得起来把家里所有的锋利的东西都锁进一个抽屉里,有一把大剪刀实在塞不进去,我就把它和钥匙一起扔出了窗外。我躺在床上一阵阵出汗,身体在发烧,可还是觉得冷。我觉得我在流血,每个关节都软润得像刚划破的伤口,整个人就像一个巨大的伤口,我想把自己包扎起来,我想吃一粒床那么大的药片。

2016.07.19
Insomnia at night, every time I close my eyes I see images of me killing myself with all sorts of methods, I was so spooked that I locked all the sharp things in the house into a drawer, there was a big pair of scissors that I wasn’t able to fit inside, so I threw it and the key out of the window. I lied on the bed sweating in bursts, my body radiated warmth, but I still felt cold. I felt like I was bleeding, every joint was soft and supple like fresh wounds, my whole body was like a massive wound, I wanted to bandage myself up, I wanted to take a pill as big as a bed.

2016.07.18
严重的时候,总觉得对面的大楼里有人用瞄准镜跟踪着我的头,随时要给我一枪,看到任何东西都像凶器,窗外的叶子像刀片一样挂满树枝,桌子上的叉子像飞镖,可乐像手榴弹,我不敢吃饭,也不敢喝水。我坐在椅子上,椅子好像马上要散架了,我躺在沙发上,沙发好像马上要塌陷了。我想离开,可是每一级台阶都像悬崖,每一步都像深渊那么艰难。我跑到马路上,所有行人都变成各式各样的花瓶。我想去买一束花,给所有开口的脑袋都插上一支,可是这个世界并不会因为这样而变得美丽一点。我还是去买一把锤子,杀死一个人,就像敲碎一樽花瓶那么容易。就像这平淡的生活也可以杀死人,起码可以杀死我,
于无形。
满地的碎片都像假牙一样在黑暗里闪烁着交错的光斑,幻觉重生让我感到一阵阵晕眩。
我经常自以为这样的经历,每个人都会有。比如将要睡着之前我时常会感觉自己的舌头里面像被充了氢气,慢慢变得轻盈、柔软和肿胀,像塞满了棉花在口腔内部不断扩散和传染,最后整个人都变成一大团棉花,在半空中漂浮起来,有的时候身体和床一起飘,有的时候身体和床分开飘,有的时候只有身体在飘,你低头还可以看到床上折叠整齐的被子好像还没有被打开过。
而失眠的时候我时常感到浑身充满了力量,这力量控制着我,让我什么都做不了,什么都不要去做。有一种方法是把手表放到耳朵上,让心跳尽量跟秒针的声音同步,偶尔能得到一点缓解,偶尔只能因由时间流逝的无能为力而唏嘘。黑夜有的时候鸦默雀静, 有的时候震耳欲聋,静的时候你会觉得这个世界上只有你一个还在活着的人,闹的时候你会觉得这个世界上只有你一个已经死去的人。你潜入暗中,周围的光就亮起来,你跨进明处,周围的天就阴下来。我怎么能不怀疑,这光不是上天投下的一束有色眼光。不过你确实也从来不相信什么公平,你情愿浑身绑满砝码,将自己投进河里海里去。你一直与这个世界好像隔了一层,有时候像一片雾气,有时候像一块玻璃,有时候像一面墙壁,有时候像一座山峦,有时候好像隔了一个,甚至几个时空。你看到孤独像静影沉璧,你去抚摸它,手指也徒是撩起一串涟漪。
我问过很多人之后,才发现他们都不是这样的。但是生活不是这样,就是那样,总之不会是你想要的样子。就像你想抽烟,却没有烟,当你有了烟,却没有打火机,当你有了打火机,却打不着火,当你打着了火,却不想抽烟了。

痛苦和无聊是常态,愉快和幸运是失态;奔波让人疲劳,舒适让人恐惧。认命也许是最好和唯一的方式。

2016.07.18
When it gets really bad, I’m constantly under the impression that someone in the building across the street is aiming at my head through a lens, I could be shot anytime, everything I see looks like a weapon, outside the window leaves hang from branches like knives, the forks on the table look like darts, Coke looks like grenades, I’m afraid to eat, and afraid to drink. I sit on the chair, the chair feels like it might fall apart, I lie on the sofa, the sofa feels like it might collapse. I want to leave, but every step on the stair is like a cliff, every step is as difficult as stepping into an abyss. I run onto the street, all the pedestrians have transformed into vases of all shapes and sizes. I want to buy a bouquet of flowers, stick one in each open head, but the world won’t become more beautiful just because of this. I should buy a hammer instead, kill someone, it’s as easy as smashing a vase to pieces. Just like how this mundane life can also kill people, at least it can kill me, invisible.
Broken pieces all over the floor casting criss-crossing spots of light into the darkness like fake teeth, hallucinating rebirth makes me feel dizzy.
I often think to myself that everyone will go through this kind of experience. For instance before falling asleep I’ll frequently feel that my tongue has been pumped full of hydrogen, slowly becoming light, soft, and swollen, like cotton stuffed into my chest expanding and contaminating my insides, finally turning me into a giant piece of cotton, floating into mid-air, sometimes my body and my bed float together, sometimes my body and my bed float apart, sometimes only my body floats, if you lower your head you can see neatly folded blankets as if they’d never been touched.
When I have insomnia I frequently feel that my whole body is charged full of strength, this strength controls me, makes me unable to do anything, reluctant to do anything. One method is to put my watch against my ear, try to make my heartbeat synchronise with the ticking of the second hand, occasionally it provides some relief, occasionally it only makes me sigh over my powerlessness against passage of time. Sometimes the night is so quiet that not even the sounds of crows and sparrows can be heard, sometimes so loud that it’s deafening, when it’s quiet you’ll think that you’re the only person still alive on Earth, when it’s noisy you’ll think that you’re the only person already dead on Earth. You sink into the darkness, and the lamps all around you turn bright, you step into the light, and the sky around you turns dim. How can I not be suspicious, this light isn’t a ray of colorful vision shone down from the sky. But indeed you’ve never believed in things like fairness, you’re willing to have weights tied to every part of your body, and throw yourself into the river and the sea. You’ve always seemed to be separated from this world by a layer, sometimes it’s a patch of mist, sometimes it’s a sheet of glass, sometimes it’s a block of wall, sometimes it’s a range of mountains, sometimes there seems to be one, or many, dimensions. To you solitude is like the reflection of moonlight in a pond, it looks like jade, you try to touch it, but all your fingers can do is tease out a series of ripples.
Only after asking a lot of people have I realised that they are not all the same. But if life isn’t like this, it’s like that, it’ll never be how you want it to be. Like when you want to smoke, yet don’t have cigarettes, then you have cigarettes, yet don’t have a lighter, then you have a lighter, yet can’t light a flame, then you light a flame, yet don’t want to smoke anymore.

Pain and tedium are typical incidents, satisfaction and fortune are mere accidents; rushing makes people tired, comfort makes people afraid. Accepting your fate may be the best and only way.

2016.05.04
我一坐下就起不来,我坐在床上,坐在沙发上,坐在马桶上,坐在台阶上,坐在地上,只是坐着,谈不上快乐不快乐,难过不难过,我在内部跟自己谈判,谈判的内容围绕着我要站起来,还是躺下去。大部分时候我最后都会躺下去,从外部看起来那姿势更像是倒下去,我感到苍老就发生在一瞬间,我的脸平铺着,像一面湖水,微风吹过,皱纹像涟漪一样蔓延着。这是如此真实,我能伸手摸到那些沟壑,我感到身体里的水分一点点地流失,我的骨头也开始变得柔软、变得酥脆,如果你看到我,你已经不能用“一个”、“一位”或者“一名”来量化我,你只能用“一堆”、“一滩”或者“一缕”来量化我。我感到自己变得微乎其微,聊胜于无。我不敢把我的感受告诉你,我害怕又被你当成一次矫情,看成一场表演。事实上也没有任何确切的词汇适用于表达,我甚至开始创造新的语言,可是我会经常忘记自己刚创造出来的语言,因为它们没有任何逻辑可循,我每天都在遗忘和创新中挣扎。但是挣扎也需要力量,最后我连挣扎也放弃了。我适应了逆来顺受,就像掷骰子,每次都掷到同一个点数,后来你发现,其实每一个面的点数都是一样的。这个房间里我最熟悉的就是头顶的那块天花板,它就像我的天空,白色的天空,没有任何阴晴变化的天空,我幻想过楼上的邻居就是住在天上的神仙,我好奇神仙居然也要设定每天早晨的闹钟。我没有任何记录时间的工具,

我只是每天往黑暗里投一块石子,从来没有得到过任何回响,如果生活是一个无底深渊,当我跳下去,无尽的下坠,也是一种飞行。

2016.05.04
Once I sit down I can’t get back up, I sit on the bed, sit on the sofa, sit on the toilet, sit on the balcony, sit on the floor, I only sit, I don’t talk about whether I’m happy or not happy, sad or not sad, I debate with myself on the inside, the debate is about whether I should stand up, or lie down. In most cases I’ll end up lying down, from the outside the movement looks more like falling down, I felt old in that one moment, my face laid out flat, like the surface of a lake, soft breeze blowing by, wrinkles spreading out like ripples. This is so real, I can reach my hand out and touch the gullies, I feel the moisture in my body slowly dissipating, my bones start to turn soft, turn crisp and fragile, if you saw me now, you wouldn’t be able to describe me as “a being”, “a person”, or “an occupation”, you would only be able to describe me as “a pile”, “a shore”, or “a block”. I can feel myself disappearing into next to nothing, better than nothing. I’m afraid to tell you my feelings, I’m afraid you’ll view me as a hypocrite, see me as a spectacle. In truth there is no correct vocabulary that I can use to express myself, I’ve even started to create a new language, but I’ll often forget the words I’d just created, because they don’t follow any logic, every day I struggle between forgetting and creating anew. But struggle also needs energy, in the end I gave up struggling too. I’ve learned to resign myself to everything that comes, just like a toss of the dice, every toss gives the same number, afterwards you discover, in reality every face has the same number. The most familiar thing in this room is the part of the ceiling that’s directly above my head, it’s like my sky, a white sky, a sky that doesn’t distinguish between overcast weather or sunny weather, I’ve imagined that my upstairs neighbor is a god living in the sky, I wonder why this god also needs to set an alarm each morning. I don’t have any tools for recording time,

all I do is throw a pebble into the darkness once per day, I’ve never received any echo back, if life was a bottomless abyss, throwing myself down and falling indefinitely can be a way of flying.

2015.09.24
有一天晚上我回到家,躺在床上,月光透过铁护栏从窗口射进来,一道道纵横交错的影子投射在墙上,整个房间看起来就像一个监狱。我一直想不明白,我怎么把自己关在一间监狱里?我突然觉得我每次出门就像是放风一样。我经常害怕出门,但是只要我一旦决定出门,我一定会先给自己上好发条,我从来不在我的朋友们面前表现出我的症状,即使我那些莫名其妙的紧张、焦虑、慌乱、甚至疲惫偶尔还是会陆续地突如其来,我在脑子里储备好各种模式准备随时应对。但是再小心谨慎,也还是有过发条突然松开的情况,我看着朋友们在舞池里跳得那么尽兴,我突然觉得自己不行了,我永远都是扫兴的那个人,我害怕我的朋友们看到我这个样子,我多么的虚荣,多么想表现得再投入一点,可是在那种时候,气氛越是热烈,我的内心越是疏离,好像所有的灯光都照不到我了,我独自站在一口竖立的棺材里,我跟他们听到的音乐都不一样,我听到的音乐为什么那么悲伤,每一首都像追悼曲。我告诉自己一定是因为喝了太多酒或者太长时间没有睡觉的原因,我偷偷地跑到厕所去哭,我哭了一会外面等着上厕所的人开始敲门,我大喊大叫不知道自己在说什么。敲门的声音消失了之后,我也慢慢平静下来,我低头看着马桶,感觉自己是坐在了一口井上面,井底有人在不停地叫我的名字,开始是一个人叫,后来很多人一起叫,也可能是回声,那一刻我真想一头栽下去。到处都是深渊。我的痛苦没有人能够真正的体会,也正是因为这样,没有任何人能够给予我真正的安慰。

每天早晨醒来我都在想,我为什么还活着。我带着这个疑问活着,但并不为了得到任何答案。

2015.09.24
One night I came home, lied on the bed, the moonlight bore through the iron railings and came in through the window, line by line the gridlike shadow projected itself onto the wall, the entire room looked just like a prison. I can never understand, how did I end up locking myself inside a prison? I suddenly felt like whenever I went outside it was akin to outdoor recreation. I’m often afraid to go out, but once I decide to go out, I will definitely wind my clockwork up, I never show my symptoms in front of my friends, even if those mysterious anxieties, uneases, panics, and exhaustions will still suddenly appear in quick succession every once in a while, I’ve prepared all sorts of protocols inside my head to counter them. But no matter how careful and prudent I am, there have still been situations where my clockwork will suddenly pop loose, when I saw my friends enjoying themselves on the dancefloor, I suddenly felt that I couldn’t do it anymore, I was always the disappointing let-down, I was afraid that my friends will see me like this, I was so vain, I wanted to act like I was more into it, but during those times, the more lively the atmosphere, the more alienated I feel, as if none of the lights can reach me, I was standing alone inside an upright coffin, the music I heard was different from what they hear, why was the music I was hearing so sad, every song sounded like a mourning tune. I told myself I must’ve drank too much alcohol or gone too long without sleep, I snuck away to the bathroom to cry, I cried for a while and then those waiting to use the bathroom started to knock on the door, I started to scream and screech I don’t know what I said. After the knocking sound disappeared, I slowly calmed down, I looked down at the toilet, felt like I was sitting on top of a well, at the bottom of a well someone was calling my name, at first it was one person, then it was a lot of people calling together, it could also just have been echoes, at that moment I really wanted to plant my head down there. The abyss is everywhere. Nobody can truly experience my pain, and because of this, nobody can give me true comfort.

Every morning when I wake up I think, why am I still alive. I carry this question with me throughout life, but not necessarily in order to receive an answer.

2015.08.17
每次等地铁的时候,都有一种想跳轨的冲动。

2015.08.17
Every time I wait for the metro, I have the urge to jump in front of the tracks.

2015.08.06
我抬头看看
又低头看看
太阳有的时候
不像太阳
但还是
照耀着我
马路有的时候
也不像马路
但还是
劝阻着我

2015.08.06
I raise my head to look
I lower my head to look
Sometimes the sun
Doesn’t look like the sun
But nonetheless
It shines upon me
Sometimes the street
Doesn’t look like the street
But nonetheless
It discourages me

2015.05.19
有一次我借住在朋友家,到了晚上怎么也睡不着,先是躺在床上,然后躺到地板上,最后坐在椅子上,盯着两片拉紧的窗帘,那感觉像是有人从背后用绳子勒住我的脖子,再用手指掐住我的脖子,我喘不过气来,浑身发抖,可是我一滴冷汗都没流,皮肤冷静得就像我的意识还醒着但是它已经睡着很久了。我站起来把窗帘拉开,爬到窗户上,感觉自己已经准备好随时可以跳下去,我一直以为我从来没有彻底丧失过最基础的理智,但是那一次我觉得自己离死最近,离任何事物都很远,我不能思考了,我想到的只有死,只有死是我唾手可得的东西,只有死让我觉得我的生命显得不是那么孤注一掷。那种感觉这么安全这么真实,我一点都不畏惧,当你觉得所有的路灯都亮起来的时候,所有路都看得到尽头的时候,你一点都不会畏惧,只想毫不踌躇地走上去。

我的朋友突然推开门,看到我半个身体跨在窗户上,吓得直接跪在门口,一边哭一边求我下来,我也跟着哭。每次这种时候我一哭就停不下来,我一边哭一边跟自己说话,给自己所有积极的暗示;试着把自己当成别人来看自己,在别人眼里,我多么正常;告诉自己不要把自己的身体当成武器,生命的冒险不是横冲直撞。

可是事后我问我的朋友,她说她那晚她根本就没有醒来过,也没有目睹过我试图要自杀。她说那都是幻觉,并且一直重复“我什么都不知道”。

在那之后的很长一段时间里,我总是独处、沉默、暗中模仿别人的生活。也是从那个时候我开始吃药,我告诉医生,有的时候我感觉一直在往上飞,有的时候又一直在往下坠,有的时候停在上面,有的时候停在下面,但是都不会持续很久。他给我开了两种药,一种是红色的胶囊,一种是白色的药片,他告诉我,我在上面的时候就吃红色,在下面的时候就吃白色。吃药其实没有让我得到任何改善,不过确实让我得到了一些平衡。但是也有吃错药的时候,有一次我误认为自己在下面,但是其实我在上面,我吃了红色之后一整个晚上都感觉自己躺在一张会飞的床上观看一场足球比赛,并且还一直把唾沫吐到对方球迷的脸上,用打火机烧对方的队服,但是我从来不看任何体育比赛。开了灯觉得刺眼,关了又觉得暗,开了空调觉得干燥,关了又觉得冷,想下楼走走又害怕等电梯,即使不等电梯又害怕电梯门打开里面已经坐了其他的人,害怕其他的人看到我,更害怕我看到其他的人。有那么几个小时我完全不知道自己在做什么。我什么都想做,又什么都害怕。

半个月之后,我每天中午醒过来第一件事就是找药,这种情况比之前还让我觉得恐慌,那种感觉是只要我今天不吃药或者我不把药随时带在身上,我就无法让自己做任何事情,随时都会爆炸。并且药物让自身感知的敏锐度和对外界讯息的吸纳度被不断地扩张和提速。现实是,我要回归现实,但是现实无比荒唐。当我发现我对药物已经开始产生依赖的时候,我马上停止了,所以当你再向我炫耀这种荒唐的时候,我一点都不妒忌了。我选择继续相信并且留在我的崩溃里,我昨天还在崩溃,但是这是我最熟练的一种生存方式。

2015.05.19
Once I was staying over at my friend’s place, at night I couldn’t fall asleep no matter how hard I tried, first I lied on the bed, then I lied on the floor, finally I sat on the chair, staring at the tightly drawn curtains, it felt like someone was behind me trying to strangle me with a rope, then used their fingers to crush my throat, I couldn’t breathe, I was trembling all over, but I didn’t shed a drop of cold sweat, my epidermis was calm as if my consciousness was still awake but it had fallen asleep long ago. I stood up and opened the curtains, climbed onto the windowsill, I felt that I could jump whenever I felt ready, I’d always thought that I had never totally lost my basic sense of rationality, but that time I felt I was closest to death than ever before, farthest away from everything else, I couldn’t think anymore, all I could think of was death, death was the only thing I could take with a sweep of my fingers, death was the only thing that could make life seem like less of an all-or-nothing bet. That kind of feeling was so safe and so real, I wasn’t afraid at all, when you think that all the streetlights will light up, that all the roads have an end in sight, you won’t be scared at all, you only want to walk right onto them without any hesitation.

My friend suddenly opened the door, saw me with half of my body out of the window, was terrified, knelt by the door crying and begging me to come down, I cried also. Each time this happens I can’t stop crying once I start, I cry and talk to myself at the same time, drop all sorts of positive hints to myself; I try to look at myself from the perspective of another person, in other people’s eyes, I’m so normal; I tell myself not to turn my body into a weapon, not to charge straight ahead into life’s adventures.

But when it was all over I asked my friend, she said she never woke up that night, and never witnessed my attempt at suicide. She said it was all a hallucination, and kept repeating “I don’t know anything.”

For a long time after that, I was always solitary, silent, secretly mimicking other people’s lives. And it was from then on that I started to take medication, I told the doctor, sometimes I feel like I’m flying upwards, sometimes like I’m falling downwards, sometimes like I’ve stopped up above, sometimes like I’ve stopped down below, but I never stay for long. He gave me two prescriptions, one is a red capsule, one is a white pill, he told me, when I’m up above I should eat the red one, when I’m down below I should eat the white one. Taking the medication hasn’t actually made me feel any different, but it did indeed give me some sense of balance. But I also take the wrong medication sometimes, once I mistakenly thought I was down below, but actually I was up above, after eating the red one I spent the night feeling like I was lying on a flying bed watching a football match, then I kept spitting my saliva onto the faces of the football fans in the bleachers, using a lighter to burn the players’ uniforms, but I never watch any sports games. Turning the light on hurts my eyes, turning the light off makes everything too dark, turning the AC on makes it too dry, turning it off makes me cold, I want to go take a walk but I’m scared of the elevator, even if I don’t take the elevator I’m scared that the elevator doors will open to reveal people inside, I’m scared that they’ll see me, I’m even more scared of seeing others. There were a few hours where I had no idea what I was doing. I want to do everything, but I’m scared of everything.

Half a month later, the first thing I did every day at noon when I woke up was to look for my meds, that kind of situation is even scarier than it used to be, that kind of feeling is if I don’t take my meds today or I don’t keep my meds on my person at all times, I won’t be able to make myself to anything else, I could explode at any time. Plus the medication heightens and expands my sensitivity towards my own self-perception and my ability to absorb the world’s messages. In reality, I want to go back to reality, but reality is exceedingly absurd. When I found out I had become reliant on medication, I immediately stopped, so when you flaunt this kind of absurdity in front of me, I’m not jealous at all anymore. I have chosen to continue to believe and remain in my breakdown, yesterday I was breaking down, but this is the method of survival to which I am most accustomed.

2015.03.23
我昨天在超市
偷了一管牙膏
前天把邻居的锁孔
用口香糖堵住
上周把小区门口的
一排垃圾桶
全都踢翻
每次我做了坏事
都觉得生活好像
又变得美好了一些

2015.03.23
Yesterday at the supermarket
I stole a tube of toothpaste
The day before I used gum to block
The neighbor’s keyhole
Last week at the district’s entrance
I kicked over
A whole row of bins
Every time I do bad things
It feels like life
Has gotten a little bit better

2014.11.17
已经有很长一段时间没有这样的感觉了,我坐在沙发的中央,乳白色的沙发套像一块沙漠,我是一只骆驼还是一支仙人掌?没有驼峰的骆驼,或者没有刺的仙人掌。我真的不想出去,外面的人,谁都看起来比我体面。任何聚会都不想参加,热闹的时候我害怕自己突然想安静下来,安静的时候我害怕自己突然会尖叫起来。半杯酒就能让我变得无比光滑,我光滑得可以随时滑倒,从楼梯滚下去就像在做有氧运动那样。这种时候再也没有什么能比遍体鳞伤更能让人感到安慰,每一块淤青和疤痕,都像是一颗药片,一旦痛苦有了形状,我就不再恐惧。

不如我就这么坐着,面对关闭着的电视机,用遥控器正面的塑料按钮按摩自己的小腿和脚背。不如我就躺着,一天中有15到20个小时都在床上度过,有时候我觉得自己躺在床垫上面,有时候我觉得自己躺在床垫下面,有时候我觉得自己躺在床垫中间,我周围是一排排像迷宫一样的弹簧,我再也找不到出口了。起床就像入睡那么难。

我总是觉得门没锁上,总是听到有人在按门铃,可是我家根本没有安装门铃。总是听到我的手机在震动,有一次我把它拿在手上,我的眼睛能看到它并没有震动,可是我的感受上它就是在震动。我想不接任何电话,可事实上也没有任何人给我打过电话。
什么都没有发生,什么都没有发生过,憧憬和惊惶并存。

2014.11.17
It’s been a long time since I’ve had this feeling, I sit in the middle of the sofa, the milky-white sofa set looks like a desert, am I a camel or a cactus? A camel without humps, or a cactus without spikes. I really don’t want to go out, the people outside, they’re all better people than me. I don’t want to go to any parties, when it gets lively I’m scared I’ll suddenly want to be quiet, when it’s quiet I’m scared I’ll suddenly yell out. Just half a glass of alcohol will make me exceedingly smooth, so smooth that I’m in constant danger of slipping and falling, rolling down the stairs just like when you do aerobic exercises. During these moments nothing can comfort me more than being beaten till I’m black and blue, every bruise and scar, are just like a pill, whenever pain attains a shape, I stop being afraid.

Why don’t I just keep sitting like this, facing the turned-off television, use the plastic buttons of the remote control to massage my shins and insteps. Why don’t I just lie down, I spend 15 to 20 hours per day on the bed, sometimes I think I’m lying on top of the mattress, sometimes I think I’m lying under the mattress, sometimes I think I’m lying inside the mattress, all around me are bedsprings arranged like a labyrinth, I can never find the exit again. Getting out of bed is as difficult as falling asleep.

I always think the door hasn’t been locked, always hear people ringing the doorbell, but my home doesn’t even have a doorbell. I always hear my phone vibrating, once I held it in my hand, my eyes could see it wasn’t vibrating at all, but I could feel it vibrating. I don’t want to pick up anyone’s calls, but in reality nobody had been calling me.

Nothing happened, nothing has ever happened, anticipation and panic coexist.

2014.02.21
我犹豫一个小时要不要出门,我不敢走到马路上,我觉得所有人都在偷窥我,所有人都认识我,所有人都在议论我,我想听听他们到底在说些什么,直至用力到耳膜开始发痛也听不清楚。
一个人在房间里走来走去,根本停不下来,这具身体到底被什么所控制。
每当我刚意识到自己被控制的时候就已经来不及了。可怕的事情再次发生了,无可逃免。我在大脑里面开始胡言论语,我不想接任何人的电话,或者狂打电话给同一个人,却总是拨错号码,我昨晚踢了对我示好的流浪猫一脚,起床时看到地上的半截指甲也能让我崩溃。这不是我。
我强迫自己躺下,强迫自己什么都不要想,什么都不要做,饿的时候吃饭,渴的时候喝水,困的时候睡觉,可是我不饿、不渴,也不困。我睁着眼睛跟天花板对持,有时候天花板上细密的纹路会慢慢地流动起来,这让我舒服多了,虽然有一种晕船的感觉。我的眼睛会突然失明又迅速被强光刺痛。这种强光也是一闪即逝,我能看到它们像流星一样朝我飞来,越来越快,越来越近,马上就要砸到我的头了,又在瞬间灰飞烟灭了。

有时候又好像有千军万马正在我的身体上驰骋,他们不是去征战,而是骑在马上弹奏各种美妙的乐器。这音乐也能让我安静一会,可是当我缓过来的时候却在网络上怎么也搜索不到一首相似的歌曲,然后又开始重蹈覆辙。那音乐一定是来自很低的地方,但是你们不让我下地狱,那我还有什么地方可去。

2014.02.01
I hesitated for an hour about whether or not to go out, I’m afraid to go on the street, I think everyone is secretly looking at me, everyone knows who I am, everyone is debating me, I want to hear what they’re saying, I strain my eardrums so hard that they start to hurt but I still can’t hear it clearly.
Walking back and forth alone in the room, I’m unable to stop, by what is this body being controlled.
Whenever I realise that my body is being controlled it’s already too late. The scary thing has already happened, there’s no escape. I start to talk nonsense in my brain, I don’t want to pick up anyone’s calls, or manically call the same person over and over again, only to keep dialling the wrong number, last night I kicked a stray cat that had taken a liking to me, when I wake up and see pieces of fingernail on the floor it can make me fall apart. This isn’t me.
I force myself to lie down, force myself not to think of anything, not to do anything, to eat when I’m hungry, drink when I’m thirsty, sleep when I’m sleepy, but I’m not hungry, not thirsty, and not sleepy. I open my eyes and have a face-off with the ceiling, sometimes the fine lines on the ceiling will slowly start to move, this makes me much more comfortable, even though I get a seasick kind of feeling. My eyes will suddenly lose sight or quickly be hurt by the strong light. This strong light is ephemeral, I can see them flying towards me like meteors, faster and faster, closer and closer, they’re going to smash into my head soon, but in a fleeting moment they turn into ash.

Sometimes it’s as though there’s a massive army galloping across my body, they’re not going to battle, but using their horses to play all sorts of wonderful instruments. This music can calm me down for a while, but when I come back to myself I can’t find any similar melodies on the Internet, and then I start to repeat the same mistakes. That music must be coming from somewhere very low, but since you won’t let me go down to hell, where else can I go.

2014.02.18
我抬起头
天花板就变得很高
我坐到沙发上
沙发就变得很厚
我吓得走到马路上
马路就变得很宽
这种时候
我总是不能确定
是世界正在放大
还是我正在缩小

2014.02.18
I raise my head
And the ceiling becomes very tall
I sit on the sofa
And the sofa becomes very thick
I walk onto the street fearfully
And the street becomes very wide
During these times
I can never be sure
If the world is becoming bigger
Or if I’m becoming smaller

2014.02.18
我一晚上搞砸了两场聚会。先是去一个朋友家吃烤肉,我坐在露台的摇椅上,感觉自己随时都能飞起来,我的屁股下面像是有一根巨大的弹簧,要把我从摇椅上弹出去,连摇椅都想帮我杀死我自己。我努力想使自己高兴,去想一些发生过的高兴的事情,可是正在发生的不就是高兴的事情吗?!他们都在忙着搬桌子摆盘子,忙着洗菜切肉,忙着点火烧炭,我努力想做点什么,想跟他们说几句话,哪怕是几个字,可是连“好、不好、要,或者不要”这样最简单的词语我都说不出来。我告诉自己必须得走,我走到电梯间感觉自己已经快要晕倒了,我看着电梯的门一开一合就像一把被立起来的铡刀,我怎么都不敢跨步进去,我不是想死吗,当我离它这么近的时候怎么又害怕成这样呢。我一直都知道我并不是真正的想要死,可是我不知道我真正想要的是什么。最后我只能走楼梯下去,从27楼走到1楼,一共382级台阶。

到另外一个朋友家里的时候我一下倒在沙发上,他们有的坐在椅子上,有的坐在地上,还有一个坐在了体重器上,他们聊着工作和爱情,我什么都看得明白,也什么都听得清楚,可是我只能想着我自己的就像是想象出来的痛苦,我不停地反问自己,到底有什么可痛苦的?!他们给我倒热水,给我披毯子,他们对我说没事,你是不是消极的电影看多了,悲伤的歌听多了,过几天就好了。只有我自己知道我可能永远也好不了了。抑郁症会一直跟随我,就像我的一条狗。但是我从来没有用锁链栓着它,我真希望这条狗早点换个主人,或者去流浪。

或者让它早点死。

2014.02.18
In one evening I ruined two parties. First I went to a friend’s place to eat barbecue, I sat on a rocking chair on the terrace, I felt like I could fly away at any time, like there was a huge spring under my ass, it could spring up out of the rocking chair, even the rocking chair wants to help me kill myself. I tried hard to make myself happy, to think of some happy things that have happened, but isn’t what’s happening right now something happy?! They were all busy moving the table and setting down plates, busy rinsing vegetables and slicing meat, busy lighting the stove and burning the coal, I tried hard to think of something to do, say something to them, even if it’s just a few words, but even such simple words like “yes, no, want, or don’t want” I was unable to say. I told myself I had to leave, I walked to the elevator but felt like I was going to faint, the elevator doors with their opening and closing motions looked like a vertical guillotine, I couldn’t make myself walk inside, don’t I want to die though, now that I’m that close to it why am I this afraid. I’ve always known that I don’t really want to die, but I don’t know what I really want to do. Finally I had to take the stairs, from the 27th floor to the 1st floor, a total of 382 steps.

Upon arriving at my other friend’s house I immediately fell onto the sofa, some of them sat on chairs, some of them sat on the floor, and one sat on the weight scales, they were talking about work and love, I could see everything clearly, and I could hear everything clearly, what is there to suffer over?! They poured hot water for me, covered me with a blanket, they said it’s okay, did you watch too many negative movies, listen to too many sad songs, in a few days you’ll be better. Only I knew that I might never get better. Depression will always follow me, like a dog. But I never chained it under lock and key, I really wish this dog would find a different master, or become a stray.

Or that it dies soon.

2013.11.07
每次过桥的时候
我都害怕自己
会跳进河里去
我摸摸桥头的石狮子
被太阳晒到的一面
有点热
我知道最后还是会变冷
我知道我过得去这一座
也不一定过得去那一座

2013.11.07
Every time I cross a bridge
I’m afraid that I might
Jump into the river
I rub the stone lion on the end of the bridge
The side that faces the sunlight
Is a little warm
I know in the end it’ll be cold again
I know that I can cross this bridge
But I might not be able to cross the next

2013.08.12
我害怕出门
走在街上
我觉得所有人的包里
不是塞满了钱
就是装了把刀
有的人想用钱买刀
有的人想用刀抢钱
买了刀再去抢更多的钱
抢了钱再去买更大的刀

我坐到马路边上
害怕得哭了起来

2013.08.12
I’m scared to go out
Walking on the street
I feel like everyone’s bags
Are either full of money
Or contain a knife
Some people want to use the money to buy a knife
Some people want to use the knife to rob money
Buy a knife and use it to rob more money
Rob money and use it to buy a bigger knife

I sat on the pavement
Was so scared that I started to cry

2013.05.09
有一段时间,幻觉严重的时候会在家里看到很多陌生人听到很多奇怪的声音。有一次我回到家一开灯就看到房间里站满了穿着黑色连体衣正在刷牙的男人,我低着头再也不敢多看一眼,在门口坐了两个小时,等神智清醒过来也还是觉得刚才的情景非常地真实。还有一次连续几天晚上我都觉得我的隔壁睡了两匹马,我能听到他们的喘息,还有那种马的“突突”的鼻音,我每天回到家都小心翼翼地怕吵醒了他们,有一天我的朋友来家里住,我跟他说,我的邻居是两匹马,他们一直在睡觉,你今晚还是不要洗澡了,洗澡的声音太大了,我们说话走路也小声一点,不然会吵醒他们的,我已经三天没洗澡了。我朋友说我疯了。我说,他们不是一般的马,他们会说人话,会躺着睡觉。开始他以为我在开玩笑,但是我的表情越来越严肃,他说你真是疯了。后来我也不知道该怎么跟他解释,他再也没有住过我家。

最近经常会觉得自己看到的东西都被放大了好几十倍,光和灰尘有了具体的形状,一个针眼都好像能伸进我的几根手指,桌上冒泡的汽水就像火山喷发,窗外开过去的汽车只能看到的车轮就像一个平面的行星,以我的痛苦为轴,高速地转动。我感到我的痛苦的载体好像离我越来越远,但是它一直在被驾驶,从来没有停歇过。
抑郁症就像坐车,我总是晕车,总是想吐,总是担心“终于有一天”我还是会出车祸的。

2013.05.09
For a while, when my hallucinations were really strong I would see a lot of strangers and hear a lot of strange noises in my home. Once I came home and turned on the lights to see that the room was full of men wearing black overalls brushing their teeth, I lowered my head and didn’t dare to look again, instead sitting by the door for two hours, even after I had come back to my senses I still felt that the image I’d just seen was extremely real. Another time for a few nights in a row I thought there were two horses sleeping next door, I could hear their breathing, and those “tu-tu” sounds horses make with their noses, every day when I came home I would try to be as quiet as possible to avoid waking them up, one day my friend stayed over, I told him, my neighbors are two horses, they’re always sleeping, you shouldn’t take a shower tonight, the sound of the shower is too loud, we should talk and walk quietly too, otherwise we’ll wake them up, I haven’t showered for three days. My friend said I was crazy. I said, they’re not regular horses, they can speak, and they lie down to sleep. At first he thought I was joking, but my expression turned more and more serious, he said you’re really crazy. I didn’t know how to explain it to him, and he never stayed over again.

Lately I often feel that everything I see has been magnified a few dozen times, light and dust have specific shapes, even the eye of a needle looks large enough to be able to fit a few of my fingers, the bottle of sparkling water on the table looks like an erupting volcano with its rising bubbles, the cars driving past the window are only visible by their tyres but they look like the surface of a planet, they use my pain as axles, and spin around at high speed. I feel like the container for my pain is getting farther away from me, but it’s always being driven, it has never stopped or rested.
Depression is like riding a car, I have constant motion sickness, I constantly need to vomit, I’m constantly worrying that “finally one day” I will have a car accident.

2013.03.27
今天在公交车上
遇到两个基督教徒
不停说上帝如何仁慈
不停劝我入会
我跟他们说
如果上帝真的仁慈
我就不会出生
并且活到现在

2013.03.27
Today on the bus
I met two Christians
Kept talking about how kind God is
Kept trying to convert me
I told them
If God really was kind
I would not have been born
Nor would I still be alive today

2012.12.17
每天出门都像上战场,每做一件事我都会在心里做好了最坏的打算,也有时候会往好的方面去想,但是能想到最好的结局也都是从所有最坏的里面挑选出来的。每见一个人都像是去见敌人或者情人,总之就是不能让自己放松下来。即使再熟悉的朋友,分开一段时间之后再见面,我还是会感到尴尬,我不知道该说点什么,该从何说起,又觉得不该什么都不说,“尴尬”就像我的名字一样,你看他笑得多尴尬,你看他哭得多尴尬,你看你看,都是因为他,把局面搞得这么尴尬。我觉得都是因为我,我害怕别人叫我的名字,我也害怕叫别人的名字,每个名字都重得让我提不起来。我总是不能集中注意力,别人对我说话的长度最好不要超过两分钟,不然我就会开始走神,开始紧张,开始恐惧,开始害怕自己记不住这么多内容或者找不到重点而无法接话,我总是期望或者试图让一次对话在最短的时间内解决或者搁浅。我说话的时候从来不敢看别人的眼睛,我总是看着我的脚,我的鞋,我的鞋带,地板,地板上的花纹,马路,马路上的口香糖和裂缝,我总是低着我的头,我再也不想仰望,地面就像我的天空,我觉得自己像一支风筝,飘飘荡荡的。

2012.12.17
Every day going out feels like a battlefield, every time I do something I prepare myself for the worst, though sometimes I will think positively, but the best-case scenario I come up with is still chosen from all the worst-case scenarios. Everyone I meet is like meeting an enemy or a lover, basically I can’t get myself to relax. No matter how familiar the friend is, if we meet again after a certain period of time, I will still feel awkward, I don’t know what to say, what to start with, but I also don’t think I should say nothing, “awkward” is like my name, look at how awkward his smile is, look at how awkward his crying is, look, look, it’s all his fault, he made this situation so awkward. I feel like it’s all my fault, I’m scared that others will call my name, I’m scared of calling others’ names, every name is so heavy that I can’t pick it up. I can never focus properly, when others talk to me it’s best if they speak for less than two minutes, otherwise I’ll start being distracted, start being nervous, start being afraid, start to be scared that I won’t be able to remember this much information or won’t be able to find their main point and use it to continue the conversation, I always hope or try to make a conversation end or die out as quickly as possible. I can never look into someone’s eyes when I speak to them, I’m always looking at my feet, my shoes, my shoelaces, the floorboards, the patterns on the floorboards, the pavement, the gum and cracks on the pavement, I always have my head lowered, I never want to look up again, the ground is like my sky, I feel like a kite, fluttering about.

2012.12.05
有时候我会想那么多人,为什么让我得上了抑郁症。
我不甘心。我能好起来,我也好起来过。
我试着让自己了解自己,试着让自己从最基本的事情开始思考,比如走路就是用脚走在马路上,说话就是用嘴把话说出来,我企图把所有的事情都简易化、原始化。我提醒自己面对和应付日常生活是必须要做的事情。可有时候这对我来说太难了,如果走路不是走路,走路是1,说话是2,吃饭是3,睡觉是4,这样会不会好一些,把所有的细节都省略掉。生活里只有数字,让生活过得就像简谱。可是走路还是走路,走路要先学会走,要先修条路,要穿鞋,要穿袜子,要穿裤子,要穿衣服,有时候还要戴帽子,有时候要迎着风,要顶着雨,有时候还要“借过,借过”。这些事情能让我想到天黑,我睡不着,睡着了就醒不了,我蜷缩在被子里,再也不想出去。我患得患失,我焦虑,我狂躁,我觉得自己太丑了,我还算年轻,可是过不了几年就老了,我害怕得传染病,也害怕得不传染的病,我觉得我的小拇指一会可能会肿起来,我就开始给它摸药膏,我觉得我的牙缝里塞进了肉丝,我就开始不停地用舌尖舔它,挑拨它,刷牙,漱口,直到最后用牙签把牙龈刺得血肉模糊,我觉得我摸不到我的后背,这次绝对不是幻觉,我试了又试,我真的摸不到它,它就像干涸的沙漠,我居然每天驮着一片荒原。有一天我在马路中央失控狂奔,我看到所有车辆和人群都渐渐变小,然后向四面八方散去,所有的声音向上升,而天空往下坠,像是一块倒立的海面,飞机在水里飞,鸟在水里飞,离我最近的,苍蝇和蚊子也在水里飞,它们飞行的姿势都像海马一样,把头翘起来,双手垂在膝盖上,小腿向后弯曲,脚板打直,就像一个“飞”字。我抬头就能看到它们的脚心,即使只有脚心我也还是能够辨认出它们。最后平静下来坐在马路边上等着海啸降临,或者一盆冷水直接浇在我的脑门上。我感觉自己的身体一阵阵发麻,我跟自己说,这是最黑暗的时刻,不会再有比现在更黑暗的时刻了,过了这一刻,以后都是光明。再也不用受这样苦。这的确产生了一点作用,虽然我心里非常清楚这都不过是暂时的自我安慰。
生命的确是一份珍贵的礼物,可是我时常觉得它好像送错了人。

2012.12.05
Sometimes I will wonder why, out of so many people, I was the one who had to get depression.
I’m won’t accept it. I can get better, I have gotten better before.
I try to understand myself, try to make myself think of things based on the most basic principles, for instance walking is just putting feet on the pavement, talking is just using your mouth to say words, I’m attempting to make everything basic again, fundamental again. I remind myself that facing and coping with everyday life is something I must do. But sometimes this is too difficult for me, if walking isn’t walking, walking is 1, talking is 2, eating is 3, sleeping is 4, will that make it better, eliminate all the details. There are only numbers in life, live life like musical notation. But walking is still walking, if you want to walk you have to learn how to walk, you have to build a road, wear shoes, wear socks, wear pants, wear clothes, sometimes you have to wear a hat, sometimes you have to go against the wind, brave the rain, sometimes you have to say “excuse me, excuse me”. I think of these things until nightfall, I can’t sleep, if I fall asleep I won’t wake up, I curl up under the sheets, I never want to leave again. I worry about what I’ll gain and lose, I’m anxious, I’m manic, I think I’m hideous, I’m still quite young, but in a few years I’ll be old, I’m afraid of getting a contagious disease, I’m also afraid of getting a non-contagious disease, I feel like my little finger might become swollen, so I start to rub medicine onto it, I feel like there are pieces of meat stuck between my teeth, I start to compulsively lick it, taunt it, brush my teeth, wash my mouth, up until toothpicks have turned my gums into a mash of blood and flesh, I feel like I can’t touch my back, this time it’s really not just my imagination, I keep trying, I really can’t touch it, it’s like a dry desert, I’m actually dragging around a wasteland with me every day. One day I lost control in the middle of the street and started to jump around manically, I saw all the cars and crowds get smaller and smaller, and then dissipate into every direction, all the sounds became louder, and the sky began to lower, like an upside-down ocean, the airplanes fly in the water, the birds fly in the water, and closer to me, the flies and mosquitoes fly in the water, their flying positions remind me of seahorses, their heads are raised, their hands placed on their kneecaps, their shins bent to the back, the their feet lying straight, like “飞”, the character for fly. When I raise my head I can see the bottoms of their feet, even with just the bottoms of their feet I can recognise them. In the end I calmed down and sat on the side of the pavement waiting for the imminent tsunami, or a bucket of cold water to be poured onto my forehead. I feel like my body is becoming numb, I tell myself, this is the moment of darkness, no other moments will be as dark as this one again, once this is over, there will only be light after. You don’t have to suffer this much ever again. This did indeed work a bit, even though I know deep inside that I’m only comforting myself temporarily.
Life truly is a precious gift, but I often feel that it was given to the wrong person.

2012.12.03
想跟所有人吵一架,先跟自己,跟身边的朋友,再跟餐厅服务员,跟快递员,跟出租车司机,我从来不想坐在副驾驶的位置上,我害怕陌生人跟我聊天,我什么都不想聊,什么都别问我,我什么都不知道,什么都别告诉我,我什么都不想知道。为什么马路修成灰色的,为什么要修天桥,为什么他们走在上面那么开心,他们不是该跳下去吗,就像排队经过安检那样,一个一个接着一个,或者像秋天成熟的果实一样,纷纷地,纷纷地落满地。第二天早晨就有清洁工人来扫尸体,就像扫落叶、扫积雪一样。我什么都扫不了,只会扫大家的兴。这种时候我感觉自己连根针都拿不起来,一点力气都没有,我的手不是我的了,我走不动了,我的脚也不是我的了,我看着似我非我的也许是“另外一个平行时空里的我”的我已经走远了,继续上路,继续几分钟前或是几十分钟前而且顺畅无缝地连接到之后的生活,这种时候我会丧失所有的时间概念,但是空间感变得非常敏锐。我的皮肤不是我的,我像蛇、蜥蜴或是某种两栖类动物一样在蜕皮,闪着光的皮屑就像明媚的下午被微风吹过的海面,正是那些波纹才让四周显得安静,就像衣服上的褶皱让我感到安全。我的内脏不是我的,我像被海绵和空气填充起来的,尤其是口腔,我想咬我的舌头,可是我找不到我的牙齿,这一切太柔软了,怪不得我会陷在里面。我只想躺下来,平躺下来,让自己舒展,感觉自己好像能够无限延伸,我的身体就像一根绳子,不断被拉长,我要去解救掉进陷阱里的人,掉进深渊里的人,所有掉进有尽头的深处的人,可是我解救不了我自己,我的生活就是一个无底洞,我只能一直坠落。我还是不要出门了,我在家的时候挺好的,虽然有时候会突然尖叫起来,突然狂跳起来,像一只被剪了尾巴的猫,我每天就带着我半截的尾巴跟整个世界摇尾乞怜,这怎么能让人不感到难堪。更多时候会突然哭起来,哭着给朋友们打电话,说我觉得难受极了,我真的不想这样。我不想见任何人,听听远处的熟悉的声音会让我好过一点。事后又会非常懊悔自己不该打这个电话,可我当时真的不知道该怎么办,挂了电话就害怕电话再响起来,我害怕被问到“你为什么要这样呢?生活不是挺好的吗?!”

2012.12.03
I want to quarrel with everyone, first with myself, with my friends, then with the waitstaff at the restaurant, with the couriers, with the taxi driver, I never want to sit in the passenger seat, I’m afraid strangers might try to talk to me, I don’t want to talk about anything, don’t ask me anything, I don’t know anything, don’t tell me anything, I don’t want to know anything. Why did they make the streets grey, why did they build overpasses, why are they so happy to walk on them, aren’t they meant to jump off, just like when you queue up to go through security, one after the other after the other, or like ripe fruits in the autumn, one by one, one by one falling onto the ground. The next morning cleaners will come to sweep away the bodies, in the same way that they sweep fallen leaves, or sweep snow. I can’t sweep anything, I can only sweep away people’s expectations and disappoint them. During these times I feel like I can’t even pick up a needle, I don’t have any strength, this hand doesn’t belong to me, I can’t walk anymore, these feet don’t belong to me either, when I see me-but-not-me maybe it’s the “me from a parallel universe” who has already taken off, keep walking, keep connecting moments from a few minutes or a few dozen minutes ago smoothly and seamlessly into the future life, during those times I will lose all sense of time, but retain an acute sense of space. This skin doesn’t belong to me, I shed my skin like a snake, lizard, or any other amphibian, my shiny scraps of skin are bright like an afternoon seaside blown softly by breeze, those ripples are what make the surroundings seem calm, like how the folds on clothing make me feel safe. These organs don’t belong to me, it’s like I’m full of sponges and air, especially my mouth, I want to bite my tongue, but I can’t find my teeth, all of this is too soft, it’s no wonder I’ve sunk into it. I only want to lie down, lie down flat, let myself stretch out, maybe I can extend infinitely, my body is like a rope, always being pulled longer, I want to go rescue people who have fallen into traps, people who have fallen into the abyss, all those who have fallen to the bottom of depths, but I can’t rescue myself, my life is a bottomless hole, all I can do is keep falling. I should stop going out, I’m fine when I’m at home, although sometimes I’ll suddenly yell out, suddenly jump up, like a cat whose tail has been cut off, every day I wag my half-tail and beg for pity from the world, how is this not unbearable. More often I’ll suddenly start to cry, I’ll call my friends whilst crying, say I feel terrible, I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to see anyone, hearing familiar sounds from afar will make me feel better. When it’s over I regret picking up the phone, but at the time I really didn’t know what to do, after I hang up I’m scared that the phone will ring again, I’m scared of being asked “Why are you like this? Isn’t life good right now?!”

2012.09.12
我总是莫名其妙的愤怒,莫名其妙的失落,也有莫名其妙高兴的时候,那种时候更加可怕,那种高兴一直浮在半空中,怎么样也落不下来。我笑得整个人都快抽筋了,我要给这个陪笑脸,要给那个陪笑脸,要给整个世界陪笑脸,我觉得自己真可笑。我情愿还是让我踏踏实实地去痛苦。我感到一切都没意思。痛苦更没意思,但是它至少可以让我一个人安静地坐一会躺一会。可是安静的时候又会开始自我怀疑,总觉得有一件重要的事情没有做完,但就是想不起来到底是什么,总觉得自己快瞎了或者聋了,也有可能瘸掉或者瘫痪掉,每天在网上搜很多资料证明自己不会突然变成残疾,也想过自杀,但越是想死,却越是想方设法要活下去。有时候我不想跟任何人互动,看什么都觉得多余,看自己最多余。有一段时间我不敢回家,也不敢照镜子,一天傍晚我彻底崩溃躺在朋友的床上开始大哭,把眼泪、鼻涕和口水都擦到一个只见过两面的女孩的袖子上,她坐在床沿上抱着我的头一直对我说她懂,她明白,她也有过这种感受。但是我知道没有人能够真正地体会,连我自己都不能连贯地线性地感知到那是什么滋味,我永远不会知道它什么时候来,它的手段太多,花样太多,很多时候我都来不及辨认那到底是不是它,就已经被它给囫囵吞掉了。我只记得她穿了一条白底紫色碎花的裙子,后来我睡着了,醒了的时候她已经走了,我不知道她去哪了,我甚至不记得她的名字和长相,我睁开眼发现窗台上有一盆跟她裙子上一模一样的植物迎向光开着花,那一刻我真希望我是一朵花,哪怕就是一朵绣在裙子上的花。有人在门外跟其他的朋友解释说我有抑郁症,但是不会发疯,哭一哭就好了。

我以前认为抑郁症是可以好起来的,直到我现在也这样认为,但是我也知道它走了,不管走多远,还是会再回来。

2012.09.12
I’m always randomly feeling angry, randomly feeling lost, and I also randomly feel happy at times, those times are even scarier, that type of happiness constantly floats in mid-air, it won’t come down no matter what. I laugh so hard that my entire body is going to cramp up soon, I have to smile at this, smile at that, smile at the whole world, I think I’m so laughable. I prefer to let myself suffer in peace. I feel like nothing has any meaning. Suffering has even less meaning, but at least it can let me sit down or lie down peacefully. But in times of peace I start to question myself, I always feel like there’s something important I haven’t finished doing, but no matter how hard I try I can’t remember what it is, I always feel like I’m turning blind or deaf, or becoming crippled or paralysed, every day I look up a lot of articles online to prove to myself that I’m not going to suddenly become handicapped, I’ve also thought about suicide, but the more I want to die, the more I come up with ways to stay alive. Sometimes I don’t want to interact with anyone, everything seems redundant, I seem redundant. For a period of time I was afraid to go home, afraid to look in the mirror, one evening I totally fell apart and started to cry and wail on a friend’s bed, I wiped my tears, snot, and spit on the sleeve of a girl I’d only met twice, she sat on the edge of the bed holding my head and kept telling me she gets it, she understands, she’s also had this feeling before. But I know nobody can truly experience it, even I can’t know how it feels in a coherent and linear manner, I’ll never know when it comes, it has too many tricks, too many gimmicks, a lot of times I don’t even have the time to make sure whether it really is it, I’ve already been swallowed whole by it. I only remember she wore a white dress with purple flowers, and then I fell asleep, when I woke up she was already gone, I don’t know where she went, I don’t even remember her name and appearance, I opened my eyes to discover that on the sill stood a pot of plants that looked identical to the ones on her dress blooming in the light, at that moment I really wished I was a flower, even a flower embroidered onto a dress would be fine. Someone outside the door explained to my other friends that I have depression, but I don’t go crazy, I just cry a bit and then I’m better.

I used to think you could get better from depression, even now I think this way, but I know that if it goes away, no matter how far, it will always come back.

2012.04.16
我觉得抑郁症分两种,一种是良性的,像我这样的,偶尔犯病一下,但是绝对不会伤害自己和别人,也就是说到了最严重的时候,还会有一丝理智存在。前天我还在马路上犯病呢,我躺在停车场里怎么都起不来,跟阳光对视,哭,发抖,觉得自己本来应该是一个被打磨光滑的冰块,但是那么快就要融化了,直到辨认不出我的形状,觉得所有的车轮都从我的脚上压过去,我现在都觉得自己是一个瘸子,但是我还能分得清现实是什么,我能走路,能跑,能挤地铁,虽然这几天我的大脑或者心好像是瘸了一块,但是我的身体依然站得很稳,穿着合脚的鞋,去我要去的地方。另一种就是恶性的,恶性的就会伤害自己或者以伤害自己为转移注意力的方式去伤害别人,又或者以伤害别人的形式变相伤害自己,所以恶性的一定要去对的医院治疗,一定要吃对的药,一定不要乱给医生看,乱吃药。但是现在以及我能想象到的将来并没有人真正的关心抑郁症,他们把抑郁症当成精神病来看待,抑郁症是精神上的病症,但并不是精神病,我觉得想要自己好起来的人首先要了解它是什么,才能不畏惧它。还有一些人是把“抑郁症”这个词当做一种对生活的消遣方式,动不动就说我得抑郁症了,动不动就在网上和别人说我要自杀,然后一边吃着薯片喝着可乐,一边看着别人的评论,觉得自己特别酷,他们更不懂抑郁症是什么,他们觉得“抑郁症”很美,“抑郁症”有时候甚至能让他们得到爱情,他们认为不得一把“抑郁症”都不好意思在晚上去酒吧,不得“抑郁症”都不好意思开口和陌生人搭讪,但是真正的抑郁症根本不会让你变得很美,也不会让你得到爱情,只会吓跑你的爱情,只会让你能看到的所有灯光都熄灭。别害怕抑郁症,也别把它当成耳环,到处和别人说你耳垂上有个洞,说你心里有个洞,每个人心里都有洞,但是不是所有的洞都是抑郁症造成的。

2012.04.16
I think there are two types of depression, one is benign, like mine, every once in a while it surges a little, but I would never hurt myself or anyone else, which is to say that even when it gets to the worst, I’ll still have a sliver of rationality. The day before yesterday I had an episode on the street, I lay down in the parking lot and refused to get up, I stared straight at the sun, cried, trembled, I felt like I should’ve been a smooth polished ice cube, but I’m melting so quickly, until I become unrecognisable, I felt like all the cars were running over my feet with their tires, even now I feel like a cripple, but I can still tell the difference between real and unreal, I can walk, can run, can squeeze past the crowds and get onto the metro, even though these days it seems like my brain or heart has become crippled, but my body still stands steady, I’m wearing shoes that fit, I’m going where I want to go. The other type is malign, the malign ones will hurt themselves or hurt others by hurting themselves as a way to attract attention, or hurt themselves by hurting others, so malign ones have to go to the right hospital to get treated, they have to take the right medication, they mustn’t see see the wrong doctor, take the wrong medication. But right now and in the future that I see nobody truly cares about depression, they see depression as a mental illness, depression is an illness of the mind, but it is not a mental illness, I think those that want to get better need to start off by truly understanding what it is, that way they won’t fear it. There are also people who see the word “depression” as a hobby, they often say I have depression, they often go online and tell people I want to kill myself, and then sit back and eat chips and drink Coke, and read people’s comments, think they’re really cool, they understand depression even less, they think “depression” is beautiful, “depression” can even help them find love sometimes, they think that without a bout of “depression” they don’t feel comfortable going to the bars at night, without “depression” they don’t feel comfortable hitting on strangers, but real depression will never make you more beautiful, and won’t help you find love, it will only scare your love away, it will only blow out all the lights that you can see. Don’t be scared of depression, and don’t think of it as an earring, telling everyone that you have a hole on your earlobe, that you have a hole in your heart, everyone has a whole in their heart, but not all the holes are caused by depression.

2012.04.09
心情不好的时候你看谁都不顺眼,但是你从来不当面和他们说,心情好的时候谁看你都不顺眼,他们也从不当面和你说,就像一种默契。他们总是以为你明天就真的疯了,你总是觉得他们今天就不怎么正常。反正都是表面那一套,有时候你也和他们玩玩那一套。他们比你厉害的是他们在你背后还有一套。他们在上面说话,他们谈论你,谈论你的过去,谈论你的朋友,他们指指点点,他们的头发差一点就垂到你的脸上,但是就差那么一点,这种挑衅,你一点都不怕,你把他们的头发想象成柳枝,就像你的春天快要来了,也许你的春天就真的这么来了。所以别忧郁,他们在看着你呢,他们想看你堕落,但是你一定要让他们看看生活多么美,那种说不出来的痛苦有一种说不出来的美。

2012.04.09
When you’re in a bad mood everyone irritates you, but you never tell them to their face, when you’re in a good mood you irritate everyone, they also never tell you to your face, there’s an unspoken understanding between you. They always think you’ll be truly insane tomorrow, you always think they’re a little abnormal today. In any case it’s the same trick of appearances, two can play that game. What makes them better than you is that they have another trick behind your back. They talk up above, they discuss you, discuss your past, discuss your friends, they point at this and that, their hair hangs so low that it almost touches your face, but there’s just that little gap, that kind of provocation, you’re not scared at all though, you imagine that their hairs are willow branches, that your spring is almost here, maybe this is how your spring arrives. So don’t be depressed, they’re watching you, they want to see you fall, but you must show them how beautiful life is, those unspeakable kinds of pains have an unspeakable kind of beauty.

2012.03.22
我总觉得水管没有关严,我一天要找十几次钥匙、手机和钱包,有时候和别人走着路说着话吃着饭我突然就说我得回家一趟,我的钱包忘带了,我家的水管没关严呢,我在这都能听到滴滴答答的水声,我再不回去,我家就要被淹没了,楼下的邻居会来找我的麻烦的,谁家的厨房都挂着刀,谁都不好惹,我还不想死,至少不想死得那么快,那么年轻,那么莫名其妙,我要活,要活下去,我要站着,我不要躺着,我害怕睡觉,反正我也睡不着,我就醒着,我要看着。我看着镜子里的自己,越看越像是另外的一个人,一个我从来就没见过的人,就像那种时候,你有没有看一个字看得久了就不认识它了,然后我看到很多张脸挤满了镜子,直到把我的脸掩盖起来,直到把镜子挤碎,直到从那些碎片里挤出来。我是谁呢?这些碎片再也拼不成一个完整的我了。

2012.03.22
I always think the tap hasn’t been fully turned off, I have to look for my keys, phone, and wallet about a dozen times a day, sometimes I’ll be walking eating with someone and I’ll suddenly say I have to go home for a bit, I forgot my wallet, my tap isn’t fully turned off, even from here I can here the drip-drop of the water, if I don’t go home, my place will be flooded, the downstairs neighbors will be pissed, everyone’s kitchen has a whole rack of knives, I can’t offend anyone, I don’t want to die yet, or at least not so fast, not so young, not so weirdly, I want to live, to keep living, I want to stand, I don’t want to lie down, I’m scared of sleeping, in any case I can’t fall asleep, I just stay awake, I want to look. I want to look at myself in the mirror, the longer I look the more I look like a different person, a person I’ve never seen before, it’s like those times, have you ever looked at a character for so long that you don’t recognise it anymore, and then I many faces squeezed into the mirror, until they cover my own face, until they squeeze the mirror so hard that it breaks, until they squeeze themselves out of the shards. Who am I? These shards can never piece me together again.

2012.01.08
写给棉棉的信
它又来了,我不知道它是什么,我希望那是忧郁症,我更怕它是另外一种未知的东西。我每天都在吃药,每天还是失眠。我站着拉屎,马桶挂在天花板上,和吊灯摆在一起看起来那么美,所有美好的事物都能让我联想到你,你优雅地倚在一扇能看到山的窗口,用一只金色的耳环洗手,然后你总会把闪闪发光的手伸向我,我怎么如此黑暗。今天很好,只是我一直没有睡觉,窗外有雪,还有阳光,路上也没有人受伤,我出去走走,桥也没有塌,桥头还有陌生人对我微笑,一切都很好,连我自己都看起来好像很好,可是为什么还是想要从桥上跳下去。

2012.01.08
Letter to Mianmian
It’s back, I don’t know what it is, I hope it’s depression, I’m scared that it’s some other unknown thing. I’m taking my medication every day, but I still can’t sleep at night. I take shits standing, the toilet is hung from the ceiling, side by side with the chandelier they look so beautiful, all beautiful things make me think of you, you sit elegantly on the sill of a window through which I can see the mountains, you wash your hands with a golden earring, then you’d always reach to me with those shiny glittery hands, why am I so full of darkness. Today was good, but I haven’t been sleeping, there’s snow outside, and sunlight also, nobody has gotten injured on the street, I went outside for a walk, the bridge didn’t collapse either, at the end of the bridge there was even a stranger who smiled at me, everything is really good, I even look pretty good, but why do I still want to jump off the bridge.

2011.12.28
我总觉得有人要来害我,
而且有的人要从很远的地方来找我,
就为了捅我一刀。
他们充实是因为他们活得目的明确,
他们活着就是为了给别人一刀,
或者拿着刀去跟别人决斗。
我空虚是因为我是一把刀,
却只能被佩在腰间。

2011.12.28
I always think someone’s trying to sabotage me,
And some people need to travel a long way to find me,
Just to be able to stab me.
They’re fulfilled because their goal in life is clear,
They live just so they can stab people,
Or use a knife to fight people.
I’m empty because I am a knife,
But they just hang me by their hip.

2011.05.19
黑夜产生的药效使你销魂、上瘾,窗外那一片挤满人的黑暗,好像就是你的未来。厚厚的窗帘带给你美梦也把你塑造成一个无法在现实里生存的人。你每天都跟他们说我快死了,我马上就要死了,好像有人掐住了我的脖子,我被人挟持了呼吸。就像要谋杀一个刚死去的还有余温的自己,那么难,就像一个母亲要亲手杀死她死去多年的女儿。她趴在床边哭肿了眼,以为女儿睡得正甜。

这几年你一直在寻找一张失踪的桌子,生活在一只倾塌的杯子里,逐步进化成愤怒的杯底。这世界就是离你这么近,却摸不着,又看不清楚。就像一束光要和影子做爱,那么难,我活得像一个影子。却只能再黑夜里出没。

2011.05.19
The medicine created by the night makes you ecstatic, addicted, that crowded darkness outside the window seems to be your future. The thick curtains give you beautiful dreams and made you unable to survive in reality. Every day you tell them I’m dying, I’m about to die soon, it’s like someone is squeezing my throat, someone has hijacked my breath. It’s like trying to assassinate me even though I’ve just died and my body is still warm, it’s that hard, it’s like a mother trying to kill her long-dead daughter with her own hands. She sat by the bed and cried into the sheets until her eyes were swollen, she thought her daughter was sleeping peacefully.

These years you’ve been looking for a missing table, living in a collapsed cup, gradually evolving into the furious bottom of the cup. This world is so close to you, but you can’t touch it, nor can you see it clearly. It’s like a ray of light wanting to make love with the shadow, it’s that hard, I live like a shadow. I can only haunt the night.

2010.10.18
只有一颗仿佛被什么东西塞满的通红的心脏,要冲破,要撕裂,像峡谷里回荡的巨响,天空被包裹着,形成一面鼓,有人在上面敲打,一下比一下加快,一下比一下用劲,像一个疯了的钟摆。

2010.10.18
I only have a scarlet heart that feels like it’s been stuffed full of something, I want to break through it, I want to rip it apart, like loud noises echoing across a valley, the sky is wrapped up to make a drum, someone is beating on it, getting faster and faster, harder and harder, like a crazed pendulum.

2010.10.08
在具象化的梦没有形成之前,我总是有不连贯的预感就像螺丝在皮肤表层加速旋转时飞溅的火花。在梦里经历一场车祸和地震之后,我似乎更能体会到“爱”这个词,灾难来临的时候你离我更近,而选择保护的一方也没有被提前设定,这并不是出于一种冲动或逞强,而是一种最直接的惯性类似于“自我防御”的肢体行为,仿佛在某个意识或时空里已经发生过这样的事,我早熟知该如何处理。

2010.10.08
Before concrete dreams are formed, I always have this nonsensical premonition just like the sparks that fly when a screw is quickly spinning on the surface of my skin. After experiencing a car accident and an earthquake in my dream, I seem to understand the word “love” more, you’re closer to me when a disaster is imminent, and the one chosen to be protected wasn’t decided beforehand, this is not due to a kind of recklessness or some attempt to be brave, but a very direct kind of inertia like an act of “self-defense”, as if this has happened before in some other dimension, I’d long known how to deal with it.

2010.10.08
我努力想变成一个使自己温暖的人却因此而更加残暴,这让我有点悲伤和对自己的失望。每晚重复着12点前躺下,2点还没睡着,像一场午夜复仇之战,有时候我感觉自己睡在天花板上,有时候睡在床垫中间,还有的时候我是悬空的。

2010.10.08
I’m trying hard to become a person who makes myself feel warm but I’ve actually become more violent, this makes me a bit sad and disappointed in myself. Every night I lie down before 12, at 2 I’m still not asleep, like a midnight revenge battle, sometimes I feel like I’m sleeping on the ceiling, sometimes like I’m sleeping between the mattresses, and sometimes like I’m floating.

2010.05.23
我必须反省自己,不在室外喝酒,以及再好的音乐我都不应该用身体去听,在我极度“清醒”的时候想去吻一个熟悉的男孩,或者我想去一个陌生男孩的家里过夜并不是为了想要一个拥抱或者别的,而只是看一下他家的摆设。但是我太迷恋在别人家过夜了,在那种夜里我就像一只鬼,一只不敢走路的鬼,一只怕摔倒的鬼。在黑夜里我是怕死的,怕死后又变成了人。
我总是想把自己弄得很脏很脏再出门,可是我总在人群中走神或者入神的时候,发现自己内心里还是保有那么多纯洁的部分。我感到特别难过,我们每天谈论的男孩,爱,城市,我都不能改变。

2010.05.23
I have to do some self-reflection, no drinking outside, and no matter how good a song is I shouldn’t use my body to listen, when I’m extremely “clear-headed” I want to kiss a familiar boy, or if I want to spend the night at the home of a boy I don’t know it’s not because I want a hug or something else, but to check out his interior design. But I’m too obsessed with sleeping at other people’s homes, during those nights I’m like a ghost, a ghost who’s afraid to walk, a ghost who’s afraid to fall. At night I’m scared of death, once I’m scared of death I’m a human again.
I always want to make myself look really dirty before going out, but whenever I’m distracted or ecstatic in the middle of a crowd, I realise that I still have a little patch of purity in my heart. I feel really unhappy, we discuss boys, love, the city ever day, but I can’t change them.

2010.03.18
蹲在座便器上给自己打一个小时的电话。

2010.03.18

Sitting on a toilet calling myself on the phone for an hour.

2010.03.18
从来不在0点之前下楼散步,
从来不一个人去餐馆,
服务生们都穿着黑色的礼服,
像是随时准备参加谁的葬礼。

2010.03.18

I never take a walk before midnight,

I never go to restaurants alone,

The waitstaff are all dressed in black,

As though ready to attend a funeral at any time.

2010.03.18
路总是比影子长。

2010.03.18

The road is always longer than the shadow.

2010.03.18
如何结束每天都想跳轨的生活?

2010.03.18

How do I stop wanting to jump in front of the tracks every day?

2010.03.18
向往死亡 — — 就是活下去的动力。

2010.03.18

Looking forward to death — — that’s the motivation to keep living.

2010.02.05
我在中午醒来,听着窗外此起彼伏的鸟叫声,如果我手里有一把猎枪,我就马上杀了它们,因为它们的鸣叫实在的太美妙了,这个世界是不能容忍这么美妙的声音存在的。

2010.02.05

I woke up at noon, listened to the rising and falling sounds of birds outside the window, if I had a shotgun in my hand, I would kill them immediately, because their birdsong is just too wonderful, this world can’t bear the existence of such a wonderful sound.

2010.02.05
他们总是想从你身上得到些什么,有时候是你自愿被拿去的,有时候你被迫拿出来的,还有时候,是被他们抢走的,更可卑是你有时候想给但是没有人肯拿你的那份。

2010.02.05

They always want something from you, sometimes you let them take it, sometimes you give it reluctantly, and other times, they take it from you, the worst part is that sometimes you want to give it but nobody wants yours.

2010.02.05
每个生命来的时候都是干净的,我很庆幸我的生命是被我亲手弄脏的。很多人的生命都是被别人弄脏的。

2010.02.05

Every life starts out clean, I’m very glad that my life was soiled by my own hands. A lot of people’s lives are soiled by other people’s hands.

2010.01.15
我只会注意那些病态,结巴,物质,2维思维,单亲家庭的男孩。有一种男孩是我在涨潮几个小时之后会打电话给他,听到他的声音我知道虽然我还在水底,但是我还没有溺亡。

2010.01.15

I can only notice those sick, stammering, materialistic, two-dimensional thinking, raised-by-a-single-parent boys. One type of boy is the type I would call a few hours after the high tide, when I hear his voice I know that although I’m still submerged in water, I haven’t drowned yet.

2009.11.27
我多么希望能重现我的中学时代,流血事件再次上演,站在楼上看着男人把刺刀穿透你的胸膛,一刀致命,我因此失眠莫名的兴奋在多年后应验我就是一个嗜血如命被命运操控的男孩,我的世界总是杀机四伏!!!

2009.11.27

How I wish I could go back to my middle school years, let the bleeding incident play out all over again, standing on the upper floor watching the man stab a bayonet right through your chest, immediately dead, after many years the reason for my mysterious excitement about insomnia was finally confirmed I am a bloodthirsty boy who is controlled by fate, my world is full of murder!!!

2009.09.05
很多画面不停地转,
整个房间都在转,
床在向着房间相反的方向转,
我的头顶好像有一面镜子,
可是镜子里的物体
都是静止的,而我的脸
在转。你晕船了。
所以所有的物体都在转!

2009.09.05

A lot of pictures spinning endlessly,

The whole room is spinning,

The bed is spinning in the opposite direction,

There seems to be a mirror on the top of my head,

But the objects it reflects

Stand still, and my face

Is spinning. You’re seasick.

So all the objects are spinning!

2008.10.23
写给棉棉的信,和她的回信
亲爱的,我昨天在地铁上犯病了,绝对所有人都长着一张黑色的脸,他们在我头顶说话,他们议论我,可是我一个字都听不清,我觉得坐在我对面的那个人是开地铁的司机,他坐在了我的对面,我的脑袋随时都会爆炸,脑浆溅他一脸一身,玻璃上都是,这是一辆无人驾驶的地铁。上次这样是多久的事我都不记得了,这种时刻太可怕了。你所有关于爱的文字,有时它们能救我,但是有时谁也救不了我。

亲爱的…再撑不住也得撑住想办法解决或者减缓我们的痛苦……可以看医生,但最好的办法是念经,可以念心经,或者最简单的阿弥陀佛…一定要撑住…我仿佛时刻都有撑不住的虚无的感觉,但是退一万步说,怎么着我们都不能被吓死,或者自杀,或者神智不清地死,或者愤怒地死,所以我们一定要积极地活下去,并且帮助跟我们一样痛苦着的众生。我最近心脏的问题也越来越严重了,我们每个人都有不同程度的病,我们和这个世界都病了。没什么,还是要解决。

2008.10.23

My letter to Mianmian, and her reply

My dear, yesterday I had an episode on the metro, I was sure that everyone’s face was black, they were speaking on the top of my head, they spoke about me, but I couldn’t understand a word, I think the person sitting across from me was the metro conductor, he sat across from me, my head felt like it could explode at anytime, my brains splashing all over his face and body, all over the glass, this is an automated train. I don’t even remember when this last happened, these moments are so scary. All your words about love, sometimes they can save me, but sometimes they can’t.

My dear… Even if you can’t take it you still have to take it think of a way out or delay our pain…… You can see a doctor, but the best way is to pray, you can say heart sutras, or the easiest is to say “Amitofo”… You have to hold on… I also have moments where I can’t take it and feel oblivion, but if you look at the big picture, no matter what I don’t scare myself to death, don’t kill myself, or die deliriously, or die of rage, so we have to survive with a positive outlook, at least we can help other unfortunate beings like us. My heart problems have gotten worse recently, we all have different levels of sickness, this whole world is sick. It’s okay, we still have to go on.

2008.06.08
写给周耀辉的信
每个人都是同性恋,每个人都是霸权者,每张脸都打上马赛克,每颗心都穿上防弹衣。所有的亲吻都是一味毒药,所有的拥抱都是一个牢房。

2008.06.08

Letter to Chow Yiu Fai

Everyone is a homosexual, everyone is a hegemon, every face is blurred by pixels, every heart wears a Kevlar vest. All kisses are poison, all hugs are prisons.

2007.06.13
我是一只鸟,没有头的鸟,没有翅膀的鸟,没有脚的鸟,没有屁股的鸟,没有尾巴的鸟。
谁对我都可以像对足球一样,踢来踢去。

2007.06.13

I am a bird, a bird without a head, a bird without wings, a bird without feet, a bird without an ass, a bird without a tail. You can treat me like a football and kick me around.

— end —

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